it's exactly 7.50pm and i don't know where to begin now. but i know i have to begin somewhere. if not then this matter will never go to rest and we will have animosity in all our lives. *sighs*

before i proceed, let me make this clear that i am not trying to make myself look good or trying to gain sympathy from either my best friends and strangers who happen to be reading this blog of mine. it is after all ur judgement and i can't stop people from judging me. and the point of me putting in names in this entry is not to embarass anyone. it is ur judgement at the end of the day. i can't stop anyone.

i am not here to talk bad about hafeez. i still respect him as he is and his family. that goes the same for his stand in life and the decision that he made. yes, ive been having problems but i just look bubbly on the outside. thats just me. well, at the beginning people have been telling me how much weight ive lost and how solemn i looked. i dont seek sympathy. but what u see is what u get. im sure hafeez too had a hard time dealing with all that, back then.

sometimes in a relationship, you tend to say things that you dont mean. and mine, i use to think that it was picture perfect. but as things got rocky(atleast in my eyes) i chose to turn to my friends and not him. well, i guess i made a wrong turn. it was hard making a u-turn after that. i sort of lost my bearing and my sense of direction.

ive said before that assumptions kill you. and it surely did kill me. my assumptions made things worse and instead of wanting things to get better, my gut feeling failed me. at that point of time, hafeez had already given me tons of chances to make it all better. but i just chose to not take up the offer.

i never meant to be a hypocrite and go against my words and my beliefs. things are said out of anger and frustrations. at that point of time i was delusional and deranged. and though i felt that the reason for separation was not a reason at all. that gave me no reason to go around and tell the borders people how bad hafeez was when we were together. and never have i done that after the separation. yes, ive done a great deal of harm to him by walking through borders with tears smeared on my face. but that was not meant to embarass him by making a public announcement about our separation. and if i did, only god knows how i felt after that. i am someone who craves alot to shop but financial situations at home didn't look too good. so that explains my wardrobe situation.

i went through hell but ive always had faith in god that good things will come. i am not a staunch muslim but i admit that i do know the basics.

bottom line, i want our separation to end in peace and not turmoil. neither do i want hafeez to have a wrong idea that i have changed. i am still the old afidah. assumptions and insecurities got the better of me. the issue is between me and him, thus nobody else should have gotten involved. im sorry if i had mislead him and his friends into thinking that other people were involved in our process of separation.

separation from a loved one is not something that calls for a celebration. i am not proud of it. but it is something that can never be stopped. now, all i want is for him to be happy and for me to move on in life.

to those who have been holding my hands and guiding me(you know who you are). I thank you. and to hafeez who have suffered under the hands of the evil ex-girlfriend, im terribly sorry. i apologize. and thank you. for opening my eyes to the real world.

only god knows how i feel.